Can a man with erectile dysfunction satisfy a partner? Intimacy beyond erections

Erectile dysfunction (ED) often brings a bunch of misconceptions and worries about intimacy. But the truth is, ED doesn't have to put a complete dampener on a satisfying sex life. Let’s explore how men with ED can focus on different aspects of intimacy that extend beyond just erections. 

Understanding erectile dysfunction: more than meets the eye

When it comes to sex with ED, the emphasis is often on the physical challenge of maintaining an erection. However, ED represents just one aspect of the intricate dynamics of a relationship. While it may affect self-esteem and cause tension, it could be an opportunity to enhance the emotional bond with your partner and explore new dimensions of intimacy beyond penetration.

Redefining sexual satisfaction: it’s not just about penetration 

Sexual satisfaction is not confined to penetrative sex. Intimacy encompasses emotional and psychological components. Limiting satisfaction to intercourse alone is like playing an orchestra with only one instrument; it overlooks the harmony of a full spectrum of experiences. This is backed by solid research. One study showed that only 18% of women find vaginal penetration alone sufficient for orgasm, highlighting the importance of incorporating a variety of touches and techniques to enhance pleasure.¹

Exploring alternative forms of intimacy

Engaging in activities such as oral sex, manual stimulation, and mutual masturbation (with your partner's consent) can be immensely pleasurable and don’t necessarily require an erection to foster connection and satisfaction. When ED is influenced by performance anxiety, it often disappears during masturbation, offering a potential way to reintroduce intimacy.²

Research highlights that 84% of women report increased pleasure or orgasm through a technique known as "shallowing," which involves a penetrative touch just inside the vaginal entrance using a fingertip, sex toy, penis tip, tongue, or lips.³ Relying solely on an erection is like bringing a knife to a gunfight; exploring various approaches, including those outside the box, may uncover new ways to meet each other's unique needs and desires.

One study found that women who orgasm more frequently are more likely to receive oral sex, have longer sexual encounters, and enjoy greater relationship satisfaction. These women also tend to communicate their desires, praise their partners, engage in playful teasing, wear lingerie, experiment with new positions, incorporate anal stimulation and sexual fantasies, and express love during sex - none of which depend solely on erectile function.⁴

This study also explored homosexual relationships - revealing that 89% of gay men achieve orgasm during sexual intimacy. Interestingly, another study discovered that only 35% of homosexual men engage in penetrative sex, highlighting that penetration is not the sole source of sexual fulfilment.⁵ This also demonstrates that this approach is not confined to heterosexual relationships.

Finally, letting go of the pressure to achieve a specific end goal can lead to a more relaxed experience, which may even improve erections over time.

The power of open communication

Engaging in open discussions about feelings and desires can significantly enhance satisfaction. Research indicates that couples who talk openly about sexual health and intimacy cultivate stronger bonds.⁶ 

ED presents an opportunity to develop emotional closeness through gestures, shared experiences, and empathetic listening. Shifting the focus from physical to emotional intimacy can result in a much stronger connection.⁶

Rethinking relationship dynamics and intimacy

Relying only on penetrative sex doesn't cover all that it takes to please a partner, as shown by the long-standing "orgasm gap." Studies indicate that men have orgasms more often than women during intercourse, with the difference being around 22% to 30%.⁶ 

This gap happens partly because society often undervalues women's sexual satisfaction and places too much emphasis on penetrative sex. By aiming to shake off these outdated ideas and focusing on shared pleasure through a variety of methods, couples can help close this gap and enjoy a more balanced and satisfying intimate life.⁷

The numan take

Men with erectile dysfunction can satisfy a partner by exploring intimacy beyond erections. By focusing on communication, emotional bonding, and alternative forms of closeness, couples can navigate ED while still enjoying a satisfying relationship.

References

1. Herbenick, D., Fu, T.-J., Arter, J., Sanders, S. A., & Dodge, B. (2018). Women's experiences with genital touching, sexual pleasure, and orgasm: Results from a U.S. probability sample of women ages 18 to 94. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 44(2), 201-212. doi:10.1080/0092623X.2017.1346530   

2. Rowland, D. L., & van Lankveld, J. J. D. M. (2019). Anxiety and performance in sex, sport, and stage: Identifying common ground. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 1615. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01615

3. Hensel, D. J., von Hippel, C. D., Lapage, C. C., & Perkins, R. H. (2021). Women’s techniques for making vaginal penetration more pleasurable: Results from a nationally representative study of adult women in the United States. PLOS ONE, 16(4), e0249242. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0249242 

4. Frederick, D. A., St. John, H. K., Garcia, J. R., & Lloyd, E. A. (2018). Differences in orgasm frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a U.S. national sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47, 273–288. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-017-0939-z

5. Rosenberger, J. G., Reece, M., Schick, V., Herbenick, D., Novak, D. S., Van Der Pol, B., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2011). Sexual behaviors and situational characteristics of most recent male-partnered sexual event among gay and bisexually identified men in the United States. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 8(11), 3040–3050. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2011.02438.x

6. Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2014). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275-293. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072

7. Gesselman, A. N., Bennett-Brown, M., Dubé, S., Kaufman, E. M., Campbell, J. T., & Garcia, J. R. (2024). The lifelong orgasm gap: exploring age’s impact on orgasm rates. Sexual Medicine, 12(3), qfae042. https://doi.org/10.1093/sexmed/qfae042.